


Without

by Pita Pan (Lizlow)



Category: Collar x Malice (Visual Novel)
Genre: F/M, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:41:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25554490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lizlow/pseuds/Pita%20Pan
Summary: her fingers grasp at the image of him, and she shouts with a voice that won't come out, no matter how much she screams,her breathing can only invite air into her lungs so deeply before it hurts, hurts so desperately, drowning in a sorrow she sought to liberate herself from,the notches in the calendar she's kept only multiply, inching deeper into her heart with each scratch,all this... all this because she'swithout...
Relationships: Hoshino Ichika/Sasazuka Takeru
Comments: 3
Kudos: 27





	Without

**Author's Note:**

> this has some basis in the tragic love ending! i'll cover more in notes after the fic, but that's the spoiler warning! it's been a bit since i've written collar x malice, and i'm excited for the english launch of unlimited next month!

The world is fuzzy, and yet she lives, lives knowing that _something_ has been drained away. Flushed from her prematurely, one last answer just out of grasp. It is taken, ripped right out of her chest, leaving a necklace-shaped sting within its traces that _attempt_ to fill the void. It’s not _his_ fault, even though he left wordlessly. It’s not _his_ fault that it hurts so terribly, that the words she couldn’t say still rattle, the what ifs absolutely _plaguing_ her. 

If their partnership had ended more mutually, perhaps she would’ve had an easier time moving forward, moving on. She... understands that what happened had been for both of their sakes. That’s what she tells herself when she closes her eyes, when she pictures his face on that final day, his lips curled into a hint of fondness that’d be thought of as rare for _anyone_ to see, save for her. 

How difficult it must be to say goodbye to an attachment, to bid farewell to one that was believed to be known so well... _If you love something, let it go._

Yet, here she is, clinging to ghosts of warmth, mourning a relationship that was intense, but so short-lived. Still, it felt like an eternity, like it’d be an eternity more, but it isn’t so. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and she experiences this fluttering fondness through the lens of longing. 

How long has it been since he left? A year? More? Less? One glance at her calendar would bring forth evidence of her scratching off the days, counting just how many days have passed since his sudden departure, so she could try to make him _consider_ apologizing half as many times, even if it _has_ to be alongside one of his _infuriatingly smug_ smiles. 

She feels, though, like he might allow it to soften then, too. 

Slowly, however, the ink has become lighter, her will to keep up with these actions decreasing with each day. Is this what it means, perhaps, to move on? The remnants that stand are not yet abolished, or so no word has been given on the matter, so _why_ would he come back? Isn’t it simply time to leave this to the breeze? 

...Even if he likes it better here, where the sounds of shots echo less in his ears. Even if he likes it better here, where he’d been allowed to work alone, where he has people that have come to be considered, _maybe_ , friends of his. Even if there’s all that...

_...I’m here_. 

“Hey...” 

She exhales, closing the cap on her pen. It’s time to make a meal for herself and Kazuki. Things have been a lot slower, a lot more grey. She should be _happy_ , reveling in the fact that they are all safer now, but despite what she knows... 

“Hey.” 

She isn’t the only one with loss, she knows this. How selfish of a sister she’s been, how draped in pity she’s been, how--

“ _Hey._ ”

Her attention shifts, and it finally lands upon her younger brother. 

“S-Sorry, I was-” 

“Caught in your own head? ...Yeah, I could tell.” 

He’s been through a lot recently. Ichika knows that, and she wishes, wishes she could do better for him. This wallowing doesn’t benefit her, she _knows_ it, but it’s been so difficult to escape that mocking voice in the back of her mind, to release those lingering regrets. 

“Yes, that’s it. I’ll get started on dinner now.” 

“I’ll,” Kazuki starts, glancing between her and the hall behind her, and sighing, “help.” 

“...Thanks, Kazuki.” 

“Yeah. no problem.”

She slowly pulls herself up, and Kazuki steps aside to let her pass, making sure her steps are steady enough to make it to where she needs to be. Maybe she should take the day off from work? He’d suggest it, but she’s such a busy bee that it’d probably do her more harm than good. She probably needs the company that constant work can give. 

The two of them pass the time cooking and eating quietly. Even though she tries to say something, her words come detached, hoarse. And Kazuki, despite his initial outreach, doesn’t respond to any of it. It’s as though she’s speaking to herself, and herself alone, her voice twisting up before it can reach him, pinging loudly against the floor. And this swallows her, lumping, catching - it’s hard to breathe, so difficult she gasps for the air to come back, to return to her. Jumping up, she pushes her chair back and clambers to her feet. Her brother gives her nothing more than a blank stare, cautiously resuming eating. 

She supposes, she supposes it’s time to leave for work, and she closes the door behind her, whispering an _“I’m heading out_.” as the house behind her twists and vanishes. 

Her workplace is where she arrives in a flash - an instant of time Her workplace is where she arrives in a flash - an instant of time that she hadn’t realized had passed so easily. How out of touch is she? Where does reality end and numbness begin? Her desk is the same, but soon, soon it swallows her, it devours her. The phone rings and rings and it bounces back and forth in her ears and ties her up until it drains her. 

She sees a note, a note on her desk; it slides into her view, the red ink staining onto her heart. How foolish she had been, to believe she’s allowed herself to let go, how foolish to believe this numbness wasn’t caused by this. 

Finding herself walking out of the room, Ichika moves, absent but with purpose all that same. The roof -- fresh air, she claims, - but the truth sets her mind free. A riddle she knows, and an answer she can find. Mere steps and she’s found herself standing on the roof, staring at something - _someone_ \- that drops her stomach, steals away that energy she was clinging to. 

_‘Is it..?_ ’ 

She staggers forward, holding out her hand, reaching for the visage before her. He’s facing away, out to the skyline, but he’s facing her soon enough, _facing her with that smug--_

“Hoshino?”

The Ichika who would whirl around moves before her - her spirit is there, there to witness the concern in Mochida’s eyes. He’s behind her; he’s just come up to the roof from the only entrance possible. Before her, the wind blows through her fingertips, gripping them, gripping them cold. 

She can’t say it; she can’t say anything. No welcome home, no _whys, hows or where have you beens,_ nothing. It all escapes her, the residue stone in a pit -- 

_\-- because_ before her is a loose paper that bounces against the floor and blows away with a light tufted. The faded image of a confident smirk, a wish unfilled, a past doused in grey. 

“Hoshino?”

Ichika closes her eyes and pulls her arms against her chest. All sound ceases, all save for the blowing of the wind. It gets harsher, harsher, consuming what had once been present. It mocked her, it really did. Its pace is kept, preserved, as even the darkness twists and morphs in her guarded sight...

_...until it all ends_. 

* * *

Takeru awakens, finding Ichika’s grip tightened exponentially around his arm. A bad dream? With a level like this... does she believe he might disappear? Is her act of latching onto him like this to prevent him from floating away? _Hm_ , loyal as ever, as attached as ever, but... he wouldn’t think of abandoning her either. The words they were _both_ able to say, they shouldn’t be laid to waste. He let her fall in love with him - _he_ let _himself_ fall in love with her, the stupid cat, _Poochie_ , _Ichika_... each name a marker of how fat their relationship has come. 

“Id~iot,” he says, pressing his lips to her forehead, “I’m not going anywhere.” 

In response, she buries herself deeper against him. Her breathing seems to have settled out, just a bit. _Perfect_. He’d... be absolutely sleepless until she had. That experience, he’s familiar with it, of losing someone who had once been right there. Before, he had been inches away from losing _her_. 

Will she wake remembering all that haunted her? Or will it all fade away with that well-meaning _charm_ he’s placed upon her, if one could _dare_ call it that? Will she hurry about to make breakfast and sweep him into using those _matching aprons_ she bought for whatever reason? 

Who knows. 

What does count is that she’s here, and so is he. There is no ‘ _without_ ’ in this state of mind, only... only _together_. 

**Author's Note:**

> as a vivid dreamer myself, i've had nightmares in a really similar vein as this, which is an influence of this fic! the first portion of this was saved from a scrap, and i always intended to have it be a nightmare setting, but as i worked on, i started deciding to meld reality more and more -- i tried my best to convey things as such! thank you for reading!


End file.
